Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Are You Afraid Of Your Children?

I'm not entirely sure when it happened, but I believe at some point I began changing everything to suite my kids. I always swore not to be that parent, but I am. Don't get me wrong, I have sweet, mostly well-behaved kids (I mean, they're toddlers so....) but, I think I've become afraid of them! Afraid of making someone cry, or making one of them resentful or not keeping them entertained enough or learning enough or being away from home at nap time. 

It hit me yesterday when a friend of mine with children the same age rattled off her to do list for the day. It included going by the farmers market for vegetables for a fresh soup, re-tiling the bathroom- yes, re-tiling the bathroom- and repairing a rotten window. This of course on top of the regular day to day stuff like laundry, dishes, meals and oh yes, the constant needs of two babies!! 

"Oh, where are the kids?", I naively asked. "With me of course!". Oh, yes, of course. I took an anxiety pill and popped Frozen in again for my kids.

I can't even shower without being needed and I cook dinner with a 20 month old wrapped around my leg. I don't go very many places because I never know who will have a melt down- and we can't have that, right? I love to travel, even just for the day, but I don't do that because... well, think of all of the things that could go wrong! I clean during nap time. What has happened to me?

I've typed 4 types now that I'm going to change that, but then erased it- because I get anxiety just thinking of stepping outside of this habit. Maybe this is the way it's supposed to be? Surely I'm not alone.  Or maybe I am, but there will be no re-tiling projects in my near future; I doubt I'll even clean out the fridge. I might try cleaning the house with headphones in so as not to be distracted by the crying. Baby steps, right? 

For now, I think I'll just enjoy another day at home with these two cuties. There's time in the future for all of that other stuff. Let's just live today to the fullest and pray we get another crazy, messy day tomorrow!


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